Inciting Incident Blog #17 – Things Won’t Change, Right? Oh Wait, They Totally Did!

But not for the worse.

Let me back up…

When I first went on hormones and began announcing my transition to people, I was under the false impression that outside of my gender and name changing, everything else would stay pretty much the same. It’s still me, right? This is just the version I’ve been hiding from most people most of my life, but it’s not all that different. Makes sense, right?

I was so unbelievably wrong, and I think that’s okay too.

I’ll elaborate…

If you haven’t noticed, I almost always refer to myself as a girl, rather than a woman or a lady. That’s not unintentional. Anyone who has been around me in the last few months has seen my bright optimism, giddiness, bounciness, and tendency to speak in cute non-words up front and personal. I never got to be the little girl I was, so now I live in that perpetual state of being the girl I’ve always been. It’s not a mental dynamic as much as it is being myself, and people tend to associate those behaviors with younger girls. That, and I just like the word better.

But after so many years of being discontent, depressed, and repressed, it comes as a shock to people who got used to me that way. It seems over the top or out of place, and I realize that a key part of my personality was always hidden except for to an exclusive few. And even they only got hints to it. Trust me, Aiden was not privy to this often before my transition. Now it’s nearly a daily thing.

However, sexual orientation is different from gender identity, and that’s not something that necessarily changes with transition, right?

Wrong again!

I was never into guys before Aiden, save for maybe a passing attraction. Now, I unabashedly have several male celebrity (and several non-celebrity) crushes, and I openly talk about it. The interesting thing to me is that everyone finds this normal, because it’s something commonly associated with a “Straight” girl. I’m by NO means straight, but from someone who was socialized to gay and feminine being a bad thing, there’s not that extra element to it. I’m certainly not complaining, but I was expecting more resistance to that idea, but like many of my expectations based on previous experience, nobody really notices.

Even my interests have changed on some level. Part of it may be the NFL being an overall shitty and hard-to-watch company, but I paid less attention to football this year than I ever have. I spent most of the Super Bowl with Madge and Anna playing music. I can’t imagine doing that any other year. I’m reading more than ever and getting a lot more invested in fiction than I ever have. My new favorite author is certainly Rainbow Rowell, and I’ll be damned if nearly every character she writes doesn’t speak to me. I only experienced that once in my entire life prior to this, and the final words of that book are tattooed on my arm!

Most important, all of the changes for the most part have been positive, because I. Am. So. Fucking. Happy! Not that I don’t get down or emotional at times, but I’m not used to this feeling of not having to hold back, not having to repress, not having to hide. I can walk around in a skirt and makeup now and nobody who matters gives a shit. I’m still getting used to it, but that is such a new concept to me. Maybe I could’ve been doing this much earlier, but I doubt it. I have never felt so loved, appreciated, respected, admired, and known than I am now, and I’m flattered beyond humility. This is, next to marrying Aiden, the best decision I’ve ever made, and I thank you for putting up with my incessant rambling, train obsessions, and girly noises. It’s only getting better.

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