Inciting Incident Blog #23 – You Are Missing the Point

Recently, Ari Stillman and I started a satirical podcast. It’s called “The Cis Are Getting Out of Hand.” It’s blatantly satirical; we would never actually tell a cis person to go sit in the quiet corner and apologize for their gender. That’s the point; the cis people who play along are in on the joke.
The truth behind it is, it’s a podcast made by non-cis people for non-cis people. It’s for us to be able to vent without having to explain our pronouns, without having to define cis for someone… again. Without having to justify our humanity or defend a bathroom argument or put ourselves on the line.

Allies may not realize this when they ask a question or hear us say something about cis people, and they may be hurt by it. I know they have just in the span of the few days since we started that community. The people I love, of course I love them. Of course I don’t hate cis people. But it’s not about you right now, and that’s the point.

Look at how other people react when queer people have their own space where we can say these things without cis people constantly reminding us “not all…” or without straight people needing to be praised for putting themselves on the line and fighting for our rights. Let me be clear: You should not need praise and rewards for being an ally, you should do it because it’s the right fucking thing to do.

I was recently gaslit in a conversation talking about this very thing. I needed to calm down, and how I needed to chill. He was going to make his own group of allies for LGBT people and didn’t see why that was condescending and insulting. Because god forbid the straight cis white guys are left out of anything. I was accused of “decluding” people who are on our side, and I don’t think that’s a word. Then concludes by saying things like “I’m still gonna fight for you despite you being unnecessarily rude tonight. You’re awfully grumpy.”

If you consider yourself an ally and don’t realize how shitty, manipulative, and condescending that is, get this straight: You are NOT a fucking ally!

This whole thing started because a friend of mine was standing up against a guy who insisted the LGBTQIA replace the A with Ally. Once again, god forbid we have a space of our own without including you. Then, when called on that, after having to have cis defined to him without the aid of the Google machine, says he’ll make his own group: ALGBTQIA: “I’ll have my group, you’ll have yours.”

Once again, you’re making a derivative about our thing by making it about you… again. You talk about us not including you… Well you’re not included in this! You’re an ally: great! You should be! But not because you expect a reward for it. Not because you expect us to suddenly consider your experience the same as ours!

It costs you nothing to be an ally, but you want to get yourself queer points. As if being an ally equates our experiences. As if you have any idea what it’s like to be us. Like you sit there and go “yeah, I’m an ally. I know what you go through, getting ‘faggot’ yelled at you, getting intimidated out of using the bathroom for being trans… We’re one in the same. We’re all in this together.”

NO! We’re not all in this together. You being a visible ally does nothing except say that you’re not an asshole! Our choice to be visible is one that risks harassment, assault, or worse. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see the difference between standing up for a cause and actually living as someone who is a target? But no, it hurts your cishet feelings if we leave you out of a thing in our own space, and that’s totally equatable with oppression. We’re the bad ones if you think about it. If only you too had your own space where you could talk with other straight cis people at leisure without worry or necessarily having them around…

We don’t. We have very few spaces where we can do that without someone asking questions and reminding us what a good ally they are. Expecting reward for their charity of doting us with their “support.” And then having the attitude of “well gee, if this is how you’re going to treat us, then I shouldn’t be on your side at all.” if you’re only on our side because you think we should be nice to you, you’re not an ally. Charity for reward is not charity, and you are no ally of mine. I will say this every single day until I no longer have to say this anymore.

One more time, for those in the back…

It’s…

Not…

About…

YOU!

P.S. Small update on this. He was apparently “trolling” me, not hard by his standards, but wants me to unblock him to apologize. All he did, after all, was say he wanted a letter. Right. Take a look at the screenshots. All he did was innocently ask me for a letter then “troll” me with his shitty, condescending, gaslighting, “pat me on the head and give me an Ally cookie” behavior. Nope, sorry. Bye Felicia.

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